


Romance for Dummies

by pmastamonkmonk



Category: LazyTown
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-25 23:11:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12046257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pmastamonkmonk/pseuds/pmastamonkmonk
Summary: It was a beautiful day outside. Sun shining, birds singing, the barest hint of clouds passing by above.Robbie hated it.





	Romance for Dummies

It was a beautiful day outside. Sun shining, birds singing, the barest hint of clouds passing by above.

Robbie hated it.

Laying back in his fuzzy chair, he scowled at the ceiling as laughs and shrieks echoed throughout the bunker. He’d made his way above ground earlier when the children’s noise had driven him to the breaking point, devising a scheme to stop them

He had been Rob Frameshot, a famous photographer with a large, fancy camera. The children had been fascinated at his tale searching for an elusive creature in an attempt to catch it on film, and when he had told them that it was very frightened of noise and the only way to draw it out was complete silence they were eager to help. 

Even moreso when he’d passed out disposable cameras and set them out to “Assist”.

Everything was going fine until Sportadoofus showed his flippy face and the children tried to get him to help. Over eager as a puppy, he’d taken right to helping… before backing into Robbie, forcing him over Ziggy who was crawling through the grass.

His hat and sunglasses had gone flying with a discouraged shout of “Robbie Rotten!” and he found himself laying in the grass with a throbbing pain in his ankle. 

The children scowled above him, Ziggy scurrying away and Sportacus frowning over their heads. Great, the man pushed him over and has the audacity to look at him as if _he_ had done something wrong.

Cringing as he tried to stand up, only for his leg to buckle under him, Robbie grunted barely supporting his weight on his one good leg. He saw Sportacus make an aborted motion towards him and jerked away, wincing again at the sharp pain the shift of his weight caused. Drawing himself into his full, imposing height, Robbie turned and stormed off – only letting himself limp and fall to a shaded bench when he was sure he was out of sight.

\--

Robbie hummed to himself as he strode through the park on his way back to his bunker, a hefty paper bag clutched in one hand. The children had been quieter than usual the last few days and there had been no line at the bakery, meaning his trip had been quick and easy. He was eager to return to his work, now well stocked with brownies, éclairs, and a decadent three layer chocolate cake. 

The sound of quick feet had his hackles raising and he scowled as they swiftly caught up to him.

“What do you want, Sportaflop?”

Beaming, Sportacus held out a box to the other man. Robbie looked down, noting the logo of the bakery he’d left not too long ago, and narrowed his eyes. When he made no move to accept the package, Sportacus’ face fell before quickly returning to a wide grin.

“I wanted to apologize for knocking you over the other day. I know how much you like sweets, and Stephanie said they make good gifts.”

Robbie’s eyes, if possible, narrowed further, though he took the box and flipped the lid a bit. His eyes shot wide and he shoved it back at the other man. “Get it away!”

Sportacus frowned, juggling the box in his arms to prevent it from dropping. “What’s wrong? I thought you liked cakes?”

Already hastily backing away, Robbie could feel his face heat with anger. “I’m _allergic_ to strawberries, you dolt! Are you trying to kill me?”

Something oddly like disappointment crossed Sportacus’ face before immediately being replaced with terror. “No! I… are there other things you’re allergic to? I can get something else!”

“Just get it away!” Robbie shouted, able to feel the phantom itch of hives all over his skin, his tongue swelling up, eyes watering. He took another step back on instinct. 

Sportacus looked like he was going to say something else, but Robbie whirled around and strode away as fast as possible, scowling angrily all the while.

\--

It took two days for Robbie to resurface, spending much of his spare time scratching phantom itches and checking his reflection to make sure there was no swelling or redness. Stupid elf, trying to assassinate him. Of course he’d buy the cake with _fruit_ on top of it, like a heathen. 

His plan for today was genius, though.

The children were playing medieval knights and princesses again, making it very easy for Prince Berton of the Syrup Kingdom, a handsome bespectacled royal, to swoop in and dazzle them all with his finery and tales of royalty.

Stephanie, in all her imagination, had begun talks of treaties and alliances between their two kingdoms, leading to a rousing discussion and even some balloon sword fights between Trixie and Stingy. This, of course, led to a jousting tournament with Stephanie and Prince Berton watching from atop the jungle gym castle, cheering on the combatants and drawing Sportacus’ attention to the events.

“I wanna go next!” Stephanie called, starting her descent down the jungle gym only for her skirt to tangle on one of the ladder rungs, jolting her forward. Robbie immediately leaned down to catch her, managing to lower her to the ground as his crown slipped from his head, glasses clattering next to the princess much to the children’s disappointment.

“You’re not a prince, you’re Robbie!” Trixie called out, Stephanie twisting with a frown to look up at him. He huffed, the other children joining in their disappointed calls, moving to climb down, trying to hide his own disappointment at the end of their fun.

It was no surprise when his own costume caught on the same rung of the ladder, sending him sprawling forward, and even less surprising when he felt Sportacus’ grip on the back of his jacket. 

Robbie shrieked, the sound of ripping cloth filling the air as he tumbled towards the earth below. Sportacus leapt down, landing just in time to catch him before he hit the ground, and Robbie looked forlornly as the scraps of fabric fluttered to the soil after them.

“That was expensive.”

Sportacus glanced between the shredded fabric on the ground and the tear in Robbie’s jacket, corners of his mouth turning down. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Robbie sighed, shoulders slumping. After a long moment, Sportacus shifted his weight, putting the inventor back on his feet. It looked like he wanted to say something, but the children called his attention away, giving Robbie a chance to gather up his crown and slink away.  
\--

“Can you fix _my_ car?” 

Robbie looked at the small child with a contemplative knit to his brows. He’d been surprised when approached by Mr. Ricco that morning requesting his expertise, but the price was right and he had nothing better to do that day.

“Let’s find out.”

A chorus of giggles drew his attention across the park where he could see Sportacus surrounded by the children. For once, they weren’t moving, instead all circled around him, Stephanie apparently giving some sort of very important lecture – if the notepad in the hero’s hands had anything to say about it – the other children nodding along to whatever she was saying.

Robbie snorted, rolling up his sleeves and lowering himself to the ground under the motorized vehicle. His mouth stretched into a maniacal grin as he looked over the engine and reached for a wrench.

Hours passed by as he worked, sinking into the rhythm of twisting bolts and jolting wires. With a final adjustment, he pushed his way out, absently rubbing a hand over his sweaty brow. Resting his hands on his hips and a satisfied smile crossing his face, Robbie leaned into the tiny drivers seat to give the key a twist.

The engine purred to life and Robbie cackled to himself, hissing out a pleased “yes!” straightening to observe his work in its entirety.

“Robbie, I-“

Robbie jumped nearly a foot in the air, whirling around to find Sportacus standing behind him with a box in his hands. Flailing his arms, he stuttered for a few words before finally huffing in irritation. “Don’t _do_ that!”

Sportacus didn’t reply and seemed to be staring at him in confusion. No, not him, his clothes. Sure, he’d swapped out the usual purple stripes for something a bit more… disposable, jeans and a long sleeved button up shirt – sleeves rolled to his elbows for ease of mobility of course, both heavily stained in grease and dirt as he’d been lying on the ground for quite some time. He could feel grime on his face where he’d wiped his hands and was sure his hair was coming loose from its gelled coif.

Didn’t mean the other man had to stare at him, hadn’t any one ever taught him any manners?

“Take a picture, Sportadoof, it’ll last longer,” he snarled, moving to stalk past, hands combing through his hair in an effort to tame it back into style.

That seemed to shake Sportacus out of his stupor and he turned to follow. “I heard you were fixing Stingy’s car, that was very nice of you!”

“His father paid me to do it, nothing nice about it.”

“Oh,” he seemed to fumble at that, but pressed forward continuing to follow much to Robbie’s annoyance. After a few more paces, the villain stopped, turning and leveling Sportacus with a scowl.

“Can I help you?”

Sportacus seemed dumbstruck again and… was that a blush coloring his cheeks? Robbie’s scowl melted into confusion, but he wasn’t given much time to consider before the large box was shoved into his arms, the hero dashing away.

“What the…” he watched Sportacus flip over a nearby wall before appraising the box in his hands. It was just a simple gift box, the kind one would receive with clothes for Christmas, and Robbie allowed his curiosity to get the better of him, pulling the lid free.

He immediately slammed it shut, eyes widened in horror. No way, nothing could be _that_ ugly, could it?

Opening the box again, Robbie wrinkled his nose at the garish fabric. “This is hideous,” The background was a shade he could only describe as vomit green with the most eye straining shade of highlighter pink embroidered over it in swirls and other shapes. It hurt to look at it for too long and Robbie could already feel the strain of a headache pulsing between his eyes.

Slamming the lid shut again, Robbie started back to his bunker where he could dispose of the abomination. 

\--

The children had gone to the beach – this time letting Robbie know in advance _not that he would worry because of course he wouldn’t stupid kids_ – and he let himself relax on a blanket in the park. It was a gorgeous day, just enough cloud coverage that he didn’t worry about burning under the sun, a gentle breeze cutting through the warmth of the summer air.

Perfect for an afternoon nap.

Or it would be if Sportadork hadn’t just flipped right into the open space Robbie was occupying. Brows knitting, Robbie made sure to keep his eyes tightly closed. 

If he ignored him, he would go away.

“Robbie, are you really sleeping?”

Of course he wouldn’t, Sportacus was an idiot.

“Yes.”

There was a long pause. “Really?”

Robbie sighed heavily, sitting up. “What do you want?”

Rolling his gaze up at the hero, Robbie watched him shift awkwardly for a few moments before shoving his hands forward. Eyes crossing at the colorful spray entering his line of sight, Robbie lurched back.

“Flowers?”

Sportacus opened his mouth to respond, just in time for a small swarm of bees to fly right out of the center of the bouquet.

Shrieking, Robbie toppled backwards before scrambling to his feet, knocking the flowers out of Sportacus’ hands and flailing his arms to dissuade the buzzing insects away from him.

“Robbie, it’s okay, they’re just-“ Sportacus waved his own hands ineffectively, bees settling in his hair and landing on the discarded flowers. “Robbie, they won’t hurt you!”

It was too late, however, and Robbie ran as fast as he could to escape the stinging horrors, managing to trip over a low wall in his haste to escape. 

\--

The knock on the hatch of his lair was an unwelcome surprise. Though it was only 5:30, Robbie had already tucked himself into his chair for the evening with his blanket and favorite fluffy slippers, getting up was the last thing he wanted to do.

He would just ignore it. Pretend he wasn’t home and they would get the message and leave.

Ten minutes later the knocking had not let up and Robbie huffed, throwing himself out of his chair and up the ladder towards the hatch. 

“Can’t you take the hint, I’m not-“ he immediately slammed it shut again, “home!”

“Robbie! You closed the door!”

Resting his forehead on the closest ladder rung, Robbie sighed deeply before opening the hatch again. He stared at Sportacus expectantly, eyebrow raised, and the other man shifted from foot to foot for a moment before squaring his shoulders.

“Have you had dinner yet?”

Robbie’s forehead creased. “No? Why?”

“….do you want to try that new place in town?” Sportacus paused. “With me?”

“Why would I want to go with you?”

Sportacus’ face fell and Robbie frowned. “Okay. Um…” Sportacus smiled, but Robbie could see the tension in his forehead, the slight tremble at the corner of his mouth. “Have a good night, Robbie.”

Robbie watched as Sportacus walked a few paces away, eyebrows screwing together in confusion. He was about to start his descent back into his lair when Sportacus abruptly stopped, turned around, and stalked back over.

“What?” 

Sportacus’ face was contorted into a strangely stern expression, fists clenched at his sides. He took a deep breath before jerking forward, roughly pressing their mouths together. Robbie jerked back a little when Sportacus’ teeth clacked against his and the faint taste of blood hit his tongue as he bit his lip, but the space in hatch only gave so much room. Sportacus pulled back, eyes wide and face flaming red before he turned and fled.

Robbie watched him go, bewildered. 

Suddenly all of the hero’s weird behavior started to add up. Sportacus had tripped him trying to play a game with him. He’d made up for it by buying him a cake he was allergic to. He’d ripped one of Robbie’s costumes and brought him a hideous brocade to replace the fabric. He’d given Robbie bug infested flowers. He’d come out to his home to ask Robbie to a restaurant – on a date. And now an absolutely terrible first kiss.

Sportacus hadn’t been trying to bully Robbie, he’d been _flirting_ with him. Like a complete and utter idiot. 

And the more Robbie thought about it, Sportacus obviously trying so hard and failing so utterly, the more he felt his smile grow. As terrible as his attempts had been, Robbie was surprised to find that they had worked.

\--

After the insane kiss-and-run tactic, Sportacus had kept himself scarce. It didn’t hurt his efforts in hiding that it had been raining the next few days, keeping the children indoors and Robbie’s appearances to a minimum.

But at the first shine of sunlight, Robbie popped up above ground, knowing nothing would keep a cabin-fever suffering Sportacus from exercising.

Observing from a distance, Robbie watched the hero do pushups on a nearby wall before shifting into one armed pushups. He had to admit, the play of muscles in the other man’s arms was quite the sight to behold… he may not have been the smartest guy in Lazy Town, but he certainly made up for it in looks.

Striding towards him, Robbie smirked as Sportacus’ eyes widened in fear, though to his credit he only paused for a moment before continuing his pushups, looking away resolutely despite the pinkening of his face.

Watching him for another few reps, Robbie caught him as he pushed up, leaning down and kissing him.

Sportacus’ arm buckled and he flailed his other to catch himself, pushing up into a crouch with a sputter. Robbie grinned triumphantly as the other man’s face flushed and the hero struggled to find words.

“You kissed me.”

Robbie nodded.

Sportacus leaned forward, eyes shining. “You kissed me!”

“I know, I was there.”

The confused looked on Sportacus’ face melted into a wide grin as the other man laughed with unrestrained glee. Robbie felt his heart skip a beat but didn’t have long to contemplate as the hero lurched forward, pulling him into a tight embrace, twirling around excitedly.

“Hey!”

Sportacus was still beaming, and despite a shove at his shoulders didn’t put Robbie back down, looking up at him with sparkling eyes. “It worked!”

Robbie, who was trying very hard to ignore the warmth of Sportacus’ hands on his hips and the feel of firm muscles under his own, frowned. “What worked?”

“All the things Stephanie suggested! She told me they were usually for girls but I didn’t know what else to try, and it worked!”

As silly as the idea of a grown man asking for romantic advice from a twelve year old was… Robbie couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, Sportacus. It worked.”


End file.
